Treehouse: Would You Debate This “Malibu” Republican?
Okay, so like…
you wanna know my secret?
The thing that gets me absolutely stoked more than a clean barrel at Surfrider?
Watching progressives lose their minds when I drop some Reagan-era economic theory in AP Gov. Dude, it’s gnarly.
Here’s the thing about traveling from out of state to attend school in Malibu—we come here thinking we’re gonna find California liberals everywhere, right? And yeah, they’re here. But what they don’t expect? Is that some of us out-of-staters show up ready to troll them harder than any local ever could.
And then they meet me. Board shorts, Fox News talking points, the whole package. It absolutely melts their brains.
My family? We’re all bleeding-heart liberals when it counts. Like, my dad and older brother? Total Dem donors. We’ve got the electric and the gas guzzler. Dad does sunrise yoga for climate awareness. He’s on the board of like three environmental nonprofits. But me? I’m out here telling people that trickle-down economics is “totally tubular” and watching their heads explode.
It’s been a family tradition since my grandpa was at the college here in town—you know, the one all those guys travel from out of state to attend. He used to tell my dad: “Son, the real privilege isn’t the money—it’s getting to treat politics like performance art.” And bro, he was so right.
I’ll be in the cafeteria, board shorts and a “Don’t Tread on Me” sticker on my water bottle, going full Fox News on some kid who actually believes this stuff matters. “Actually, the free market would solve homelessness if we just deregulated…” And they’re fuming, right? Writing Instagram stories about me. Meanwhile, I’m getting recruited by Yale because my college essay was about my family’s four-generation commitment to progressive causes.
The cognitive dissonance? Chef’s kiss. That’s the wave I’m riding.
My brother’s already mastered this. He wore a “Taxation is Theft” shirt to his environmental science class. Dad was so proud he almost cried—then posted about income inequality on his finsta.
Why do we do it? Honestly? Because we can. Because when you know your vote’s going blue no matter what, when your trust fund’s got more zeros than a libertarian’s understanding of systemic inequality, politics becomes… I dunno, like fantasy football for rich people. It’s a game. And I’m really good at games.
Plus, the reactions are sick. Better than any surf vid.
Come November, we’ll all hit the booth, vote straight ticket Democrat like we always do, then I’ll go back to school and argue that Reagan had it right about everything. It’s the circle of life, Malibu style.
Some people collect sneakers. I collect outraged DMs from people who think I’m serious.
[Checks phone]