This episode reflects our personal opinion only. It is not a statement on behalf of boys in Hollywood, California. This episode is not affiliated with or endorsed by Hollywood, California or homeowners in Hollywood, California.
Photos captured in the Fashion District by Mitchell Royel.
COLD OPEN
Shot in the Fashion District. DEX (13, overconfident, holding a rubber chicken) and WREN (12, sharp, holding a clipboard she will never use) stand in front of a webcam. Behind the camera, TOBY (13, tech producer, wearing three headsets at once) counts them in. Today, though, they're taking it to the streets — Hollywood Boulevard, to be exact, where the sidewalk is famous and the dogs deserve to be.
TOBY: In five, four, three...
Toby points. Then he immediately trips over a power cable.
DEX: Hello, Hollywood!
WREN: Hello, people who live in Hollywood and walk past the Walk of Fame every day pretending it's just a regular sidewalk!
DEX: It IS a regular sidewalk. It just has more famous names on it than your group chat.
WREN: Today we have a very serious public service announcement.
DEX: (slaps the rubber chicken on the desk) Very. Serious.
WREN: Put the chicken down.
DEX: The chicken stays. The chicken is emotional support.
WREN: Today's topic is your dog. Specifically, your dog's legs. Specifically, the fact that your dog's legs are not decorations.
TOBY: (from behind the camera) Hit the sound effect?
WREN: Hit it.
Toby presses a button. A loud DUN-DUN-DUNNN plays. Then a duck quacks. Then a cow moos.
TOBY: Wrong buttons. All of them. Every single one.
SEGMENT ONE: "THE COUCH LOAF CRISIS"
DEX: Let's talk about a condition we're calling Couch Loaf Syndrome.
WREN: Couch Loaf Syndrome is when your dog spends so much time on the sofa that it starts to look like a dinner roll with ears.
DEX: Symptoms include sighing, staring at the door, and eating one entire flip-flop out of pure spite.
WREN: Dogs need exercise. Not "they walked to the food bowl twice" exercise. Real exercise. Sniffing. Trotting. Chasing things. Getting their paws on actual ground that isn't your hallway rug.
DEX: Your dog was built to move. You don't buy a sports car and park it in the garage forever with a blanket on it.
WREN: Some people do that.
DEX: And those people are monsters.
WREN: Here's the deal. A tired dog is a happy dog. A bored dog is a tiny, furry demolition crew that will remodel your kitchen without a permit.
DEX: I once saw a beagle take apart a recliner. Like, fully. Bolts on the floor. He looked at me like, "I'm a contractor now."
WREN: So walk your dog. Every day. Rain, shine, or that one weird week in February when it's somehow ninety degrees.
DEX: Which is every week in February.
TOBY: (raising a hand) Can I add something?
WREN: No.
TOBY: Okay.
SEGMENT TWO: "THE GREAT HAWK HOAX"
Suddenly, the loft door BURSTS open. MARLON (late 20s, Dex's older brother, a sculptor who builds art out of traffic cones) storms in holding a lamp shaped like a flamingo.
MARLON: Did somebody say HAWK?
WREN: Nobody said hawk.
MARLON: I heard hawk. My hawk sense was tingling.
DEX: You don't have a hawk sense.
MARLON: I have a hawk sense AND a sculpture of a hawk made out of shopping cart wheels. It's in the bathtub. Don't use the bathtub.
WREN: Actually, this is perfect. Let's talk about excuses.
DEX: Oh, the excuses. Hollywood, we've heard them all.
WREN: "I can't walk my dog. A coyote might eat him."
DEX: "I can't walk my dog. She might get scooped up by a hawk."
MARLON: "I can't walk my dog. A pelican might adopt him and raise him as its own."
WREN: Nobody's saying that one.
MARLON: Somebody will.
DEX: Let's be very clear. Under no circumstances should you use a bird of prey as your personal excuse department.
WREN: Hollywood is safe enough out here for your dog to get a walk. You're on a leash. Your dog is on a leash. You're paying attention. You're not sending your Chihuahua out alone at midnight with a tiny backpack and a bus pass.
DEX: If a hawk wants your dog, the hawk has to get through YOU. And you're a whole human. With arms. And opinions.
MARLON: And a flamingo lamp.
Marlon raises the lamp heroically. The bulb falls out and rolls under the couch.
WREN: Here's what's really going on. Sometimes people use these scary stories when the actual truth is, "I don't feel like walking today."
DEX: Or worse. "I don't want my dog anymore, so I'm going to invent a dramatic nature documentary to explain why."
WREN: That's the part we need to talk about.
SEGMENT THREE: "DOGS ARE NOT HOT POTATOES"
Toby dims the lights. Somber piano music plays. Then a kazoo version of the same music plays, because Toby hit the wrong button again.
TOBY: I'm getting new buttons.
WREN: We love our dogs out here in Hollywood. Like, LOVE them. Dogs at the farmers market. Dogs at the coffee shop. Dogs in strollers that cost more than Dex's entire wardrobe.
DEX: Low blow. Accurate, but low.
WREN: And here's something your dog wants you to know. Your dog does not want to be passed off.
DEX: Not to your cousin in Burbank.
WREN: Not to your coworker who "loves animals" but has never owned a houseplant that survived.
DEX: Not to your aunt who already has four cats and a parrot that only knows swear words.
MARLON: That's Aunt Gloria. That parrot is a legend.
WREN: Your dog picked you. Your dog thinks you invented the sunrise. Your dog hears your keys jingle and acts like a rock star just walked into the room.
DEX: You are your dog's whole world. You can't hand somebody your whole world in a grocery bag with half a box of treats and a chewed-up squeaky hot dog.
WREN: If you feel stretched thin, that's real. Life gets busy. But the fix usually isn't "goodbye, buddy." The fix is a better routine. A morning walk. An evening loop. A weekend hike. A dog walker. A neighbor kid who will gladly take your dog around the block for snacks and bragging rights.
DEX: I'm a neighbor kid. I accept payment in burritos.
WREN: The point is, your dog's preference is to stay with you. So let's give them a reason to wag about it.
SEGMENT FOUR: "EXHIBIT A — THE SOUVENIR SHOP"
TOBY: Okay, I've got the photos queued up. Do I hit the button?
WREN: Is it the right button?
TOBY: (sweating) Probably.
Toby hits a button. A photo fills the screen. Miraculously, it's the right one.
TOBY: YES. YES! Nobody touch anything. This is my Super Bowl.
ON SCREEN: Two smiling kids — one 12, one 13 — stand on Hollywood Boulevard, shoulder to shoulder, grinning like they own the block — which, honestly, they might. The boy on the left wears a blue Nirvana tee with the classic yellow logo, dark gray ripped jeans, white Nikes, and a black backpack, holding a leash in his hand. The boy on the right wears a plaid flannel, brown, black, and white, thrown open over a dark gray LA graphic tee, with dark blue shorts and black-and-white high-top Converse, his arm draped over his buddy's shoulder. Both have that shaggy, sun-bleached blonde hair that looks like it lost a fight with the Pacific Ocean and loved every second. Between them, front and center, stands a big fluffy Golden Retriever in a blue harness, mouth open, tongue out, gazing to the right like he just spotted a churro cart. Under their feet, the Hollywood Walk of Fame stretches out in dark terrazzo and pink stars trimmed in brass — the one directly at their feet reads STEVEN SPIELBERG. Behind them, the Hollywood Souvenirs storefront glows with red and yellow awnings on the left, the tall black TCL Chinese Theatre sign rises down the block, and across the street, the El Capitan Theatre marquee shines gold. Palm trees shoot straight up into a bright blue sky. Cars cruise down the boulevard. And far off in the hills, framed perfectly between the two boys' heads, sits the Hollywood Sign.
Photo captured in the Fashion District by Mitchell Royel.
DEX: Look at these guys. Absolute souvenir royalty.
WREN: They look like they're about to buy forty keychains and a snow globe of the Hollywood Sign.
MARLON: I would buy a gold statuette and give it to myself for Best Brother.
DEX: You'd lose to the parrot.
WREN: Now, notice something about this photo.
DEX: The neon?
WREN: No.
DEX: The license plates?
WREN: No.
DEX: The fact that the flannel is doing a LOT of heavy lifting?
WREN: The fact that there's NO DOG in this picture.
Toby hits a button. A sad trombone plays. For once, it's the correct sound.
TOBY: I'm on fire today.
WREN: These boys went out, had fun, explored Hollywood. But somebody's missing.
DEX: Somebody with four legs and a tail that could clear a coffee table in one swipe.
WREN: Which brings us to...
SEGMENT FIVE: "EXHIBIT B — THE WALK OF FAME"
Toby clicks. A second photo appears.
ON SCREEN: The same two kids — one 12, one 13 — stand on the Hollywood Walk of Fame, grinning like they just won something. Nirvana tee is back, now with dark gray ripped jeans, a black backpack, and white Nike sneakers. He holds a black leash. Flannel-over-LA-tee is back too, this time with dark blue shorts and black-and-white high-top Converse, his arm draped over his buddy's shoulder. And between them, front and center, stands a big fluffy Golden Retriever in a blue harness, tongue hanging out, gazing off to the right like he just spotted a churro. Under their feet, a pink terrazzo star trimmed in brass reads STEVEN SPIELBERG. Behind them, palm trees shoot straight up into a bright blue sky with wispy clouds. The Hollywood Souvenirs storefront glows with red and yellow awnings on the left. The tall black TCL Chinese Theatre sign rises down the block. Across the street, the El Capitan Theatre marquee shines in golden lights. And far off on the green hills, framed right between the boys' heads, sits the Hollywood Sign. People stroll by. Cars roll down the boulevard. Nobody is being carried off by a hawk.
Photo captured in the Fashion District by Mitchell Royel.
WREN: THERE he is.
DEX: The Golden Boy! The Fluff Legend! The Retriever of Dreams!
MARLON: He's standing on Spielberg's star. That dog has better career moves than me.
WREN: Look at this photo, Hollywood. Busy sidewalk. Palm trees. Famous theaters. Tourists everywhere. And this dog is out here living his best life.
DEX: Scan the sky. Go ahead. Any hawks?
TOBY: (zooming in) I see... a cloud.
DEX: A cloud. Not a hawk. A cloud.
MARLON: That cloud looks a little like a hawk.
WREN: It does not.
MARLON: It's got hawk energy.
WREN: This is the whole point. A dog on a leash, with his people, getting steps in on the most famous sidewalk on Earth. Safe. Happy. Tongue out. Zero drama.
DEX: This dog is getting more exercise than half the people in this room.
Everyone slowly turns to look at Toby.
TOBY: I walk. I walk to the snack drawer. That's cardio.
SEGMENT SIX: "THE OFFICIAL RULES OF DOG MOVEMENT"
WREN: Okay, Hollywood. Here's your official, totally unofficial checklist.
DEX: Rule one. Walk your dog every day. Short legs, long legs, medium legs. All legs get walks.
WREN: Rule two. Mix it up. Try the Walk of Fame, a canyon trail, a neighborhood loop, or a dog park. Your dog gets bored of the same block, just like you get bored of the same playlist.
DEX: Rule three. Bring water. It's Los Angeles. The sun is basically a heat lamp with ambitions.
WREN: Rule four. Watch the pavement. If it's too hot for your hand, it's too hot for paws. Go early. Go late.
DEX: Rule five. Play counts. Fetch, tug, chase. Your living room becomes a gym. Your couch becomes a finish line.
MARLON: Rule six. Never let your dog near my traffic cone sculptures.
WREN: That's not a rule.
MARLON: It is in this apartment.
DEX: Rule seven. No excuses. No coyote stories. No hawk theater. No pelican adoption fantasies.
MARLON: You're welcome for that last one.
WREN: Rule eight. Keep your dog. Love your dog. Your dog wants YOU. Not your cousin. Not your coworker. Not Aunt Gloria and the swearing parrot.
MARLON: He'd fit right in, though.
CLOSING
Lights back up. Dex holds the rubber chicken over his heart.
DEX: So, Hollywood. We love you. We love your dogs. We love your dogs MORE than we love you, honestly.
WREN: Get out there. Clip on the leash. Hit the sidewalk. Let your dog sniff every palm tree on the boulevard like it's reading the morning news.
DEX: Your dog doesn't need a red carpet. Your dog needs a walk.
WREN: And remember, this is our personal opinion. It's not a statement on behalf of boys in Hollywood, California. And this episode is not affiliated with or endorsed by Hollywood, California or homeowners in Hollywood, California.
DEX: We're just a couple of kids, a chicken, and a guy with a flamingo lamp.
MARLON: It's a very good lamp.
WREN: Photos captured in the Fashion District by Mitchell Royel. Big thanks.
TOBY: Can I hit the outro button?
WREN: Is it the right one?
TOBY: Only one way to find out.
Toby hits the button. A fog machine roars to life. The whole loft disappears into a white cloud.
DEX: (coughing, from somewhere in the fog) Walk your dog, Hollywood!
WREN: (also coughing) Goodnight!
MARLON: I think I see a hawk.
Fade to black.
END OF EPISODE
Again, this episode reflects our personal opinion only and is not a statement on behalf of boys in Hollywood, California. Not affiliated with or endorsed by Hollywood, California or homeowners in Hollywood, California. Photos captured in the Fashion District by Mitchell Royel.